October 10, 2023

A day can really bring both joy and sorrow. This is one of those days. It started on the wrong foot. I got up today thankful to be up but also worried, concerned, anxious about the day...the workday. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm under the radar constantly. I only hear feedback when I make mistakes, never the days, months and years I've done the job right.

Monica has no idea what I do on a daily basis. No idea what's happening in my private life nor does she even seem to care. Yet, here I am praying for her comfort about her grandmother. There are times I really think it's unfair to be a Christian. We're caring about everybody else and they can't stand us. We're trying to bless them and they're cursing us.

She went off on me AGAIN this morning for an invoice that I had the wrong total on. Now, how hard is it to revise it and re-send it?! Took all about 2 minutes to correct. But she has to tell me off in a text group with 4 total people in, text me privately and send email to me about my mistake saying the customer is "sensitive" and I need to watch what I'm sending out and how she told me what to bill and I didn't follow instructions.

It made me so angry and I sat in my chair for at least 15 minutes trying to calm down. I thought of all kinds of things to say in my defense. I wondered if I should address her and tell her don't talk to me that way anymore... "I'm 30 years older than you, would you have talked to your beloved grandmother that way?" I know that would have hit a nerve with her. I didn't do anything. I didn't even pray. I just tried to calm my breathing.

Then, I had our weekly prayer with Kass. I didn't even tell her what had happened. I didn't tell hubby either. I sucked it up and kept it to myself. Only you Lord Jesus knows what happened. 

What I decided to do is write my feelings down in this new GUIG blog. This is not a blog for anyone else but me. I'm writing it like a personal log entry if I were in a Star Trek episode. I have to have a release.

To get out my frustration in some way that is not detrimental to me will help me not to bottle it all up and one day explode.

So now, going forward... I have to triple check everything I send to a member just to ensure it doesn't go out wrong. It's hard enough keeping up with all the details of this job and knowing I have to keep doing it but now I gotta make sure I'm not ticking off some "sensitive" member. I quote that because sensitive to me means "difficult", "easily upset". And those are the kinds of customers I keep far away from me. But Monica is a people-pleaser. She caters to those who have money, prestige or power but nevermind the little weaklings that make this chamber stay afloat. It's like working in Corporate America all over again.

I've asked The Lord in prayer not to allow me to think wrong of another person or to believe something about them that's not true. And, I've tried to believe that Monica has nothing against me but I just can't quite believe that. Unless The Lord tells me otherwise, I just feel like she treats me with disdain though I have put in 15+ years in this organization, longer than she'll ever be there. I'm old enough to be her mother yet, she speaks to me like I'm 3 year old. And, I'm powerless to do anything about it without backlash. The best weapon is to pray. Pray for wisdom, pray for vindication, pray for justice, pray for protection.

Pray I will. Work hard, yes, but also pray that God deals with her heart and convicts her of how she has treated me. I want an apology, I believe I deserve that. But if it doesn't come, I choose to forgive. I choose to forget. This job is about the compensation now, nothing more because I'm empty and have nothing left to give. 

Lord Jesus, grace me until things change for me. Help me proof my work more meticulously, help me in my encounters with members, staff, etc., and please help me to stay calm in the midst of the storms.