Found my Early Writings

Today, hubby and I went out to do some housekeeping shopping and after coming back, I was putting things back in the truck when I picked up a journal that a friend had made for me. Unfortunately, the weather and humidity destroyed most of it but I was able to take its contents out and salvage them to make some Valentine's Day cards. That makes me happy because I wasn't sure what I wanted to make this weekend.

I'm not sure if these are a mixture of short stories or poems or me journaling, but I thought I'd type these up just so I can see where I was back then to now. These were all written October of 2018. 

I have these incredible daydreams where I find myself zoning out.

I may be performing before a big audience, or

I may be writing the best love novel ever written

I can dream of the perfect love and be totally smitten.

I wrap myself in my character and I dream of a different world,

My thoughts are not pure all the time and I shame myself,

I pray for help all the time wondering if I've used up all my chances,

My brain takes me back to a time that was full of mystery,

I'd stand and watch him as he dances.

My eyes are affixed on him and the way he moves

Years ago, he knew me.

But not anymore, I have changed,

My life is where I am now, it's all been rearranged.

He wouldn't recognize me anymore

My looks are gone

Was I meant to do something big?

Did I miss my my opportunity?

Maybe it's too late

I'll find my way through that pearly gate

And I'll do what you called me to do.

______________________________________

I find I go in and out of phases, not sure of the next step

Looking to the clouds for wisdom

Looking for that moment of motivation

Where did it go?

Why am I here?

Is it true I haven't reached for the stars?

Can I still jump and and touch the ceiling?

How am I to know what I'm ade to do when I'm so tired?

It's hard to focus

Hard to smile

Help me approach this

And please stay awhile.

I need to make sense of my thoughts

Find the purpose of my calling

Not be mindless like a bunch of robots

Catch me so I'm not falling.

______________________________________

Sometimes I think of the future and see an empty hole

I wonder if things will get better, feel better inside my hollow soul,

I pray to you Lord begging for mercy

That my choices hasn't left me empty for life.

I so wish I could take back all that grieved you

Start again doing all that's true

But I know what isn't possible

And even trying to forget isn't probable.

Believe me I've tried many times to forget

But the memories just keep coming back leaving me a lot of regret.

I didn't know I could struggle to find my purpose after getting saved

There's not way to make this flesh behave.

When I go to sleep at night, I try not to wander far,

Still the images I see can't really be me

I find myself bothered and withered, a broken star

Why do I drea of you?, you don't even know me.

So I pray God that you will touch my thoughts, make them stay put,

I want to sleep and dream only of bunnies,

Close my eyes and make all the troubles stay under my foot,

See beauty, peace, harmony and honey.

Tonight, let me sleep and see just you,

Hold tight and don't let me keep falling, 

I want to share your secrets, I do,

Please keep calling.

When I read your Word, it gives me life

And when I'm down, it lifts me up

Your Word shows me how to live

It cuts to the chase and it fills my cup.

Truth is what I need, not flattery words that means nothing

It's easy to believe a lie

So thankful you are open and honest

No mixed messages, just hi and goodbye.

Your Word is serious but also comforting

You take away my fears and steady my hand

I so love your Word Lord.

It opens my heart and helps understand.