Needing Acceptance, Trouble Accepting

I've had a problem accepting other people's personalities including hubby and especially him when we first got married. We were really two hurting people that God put together. At first, it was because he was rejected by his church for marrying me, an interracial girl. It took years to get over that and I saw his brokeness as weakness, unable to lead us spiritually. I had no right to judge him like that. I did and still do love him but I had this "control fetish". I had to have it my way all the time. And, I was wrong.

The Lord took me through so much so that I could see myself because I was the one who was the most broken and hubby never rejected, dejected or judged me. He accepted all my flaws, my hardships, my personality and my ugly past. Over the years, as God was able to repair the damage I learned how to accept him and that he's a great guy to lead our family and submitting was not this ugly thing. Hubby has NEVER tried to like rule over me as if I'm a slave. He really truly wants me by his side walking side by side. I don't deserve this sort of love but I welcome it. Now, we're on this house hunting journey...the last big thing we plan to do with the rest of our life together and it's been anything but easy.

Today, I was drawing up a blueprint of the house cause hubby wanted something to see as he couldn't remember the layout. Somehow, even only being at the house twice, I remember everything about it.

But, just as I was putting the last touches to the diagram, I get a text from Taylor saying the inspection noted visible mold on the house and that the appraiser could say the whole house would need to be cleaned for mold which would be costly. Now, the house hasn't been appraised yet and we don't know what they will say. But this made me so upset because it just seemed to us from the beginning that she doesn't like this house. She's been negative (I guess since she says she's letting us know) that she feels she's being truthful. We're trying to be truthful as well and not jump in with our heads in the clouds BUT we're also born-again, spirit-filled saints and we know The Lord and what He has said to us. Unbelievers don't have that connection so they don't know how to live or believe in faith.

We texted back but ended up having a three-way call with her and Wes explaining to them our desire to move forward with the appraisal and see what they say before moving on. Hubby and I talked about regret. Neither of us wants to live with anymore remorse and regret because we let fear get the best of us. This is what our MO has been for years and why it's taken us so many years to even try again to buy a home. Taylor was her usual "quiet" self on the phone and hubby and I had to engage her to say something. She says she's concerned about the appraisal. At that moment, I said something to hubby after the call that I now want to retract. I said, "it doesn't matter if she hates the house, I want to go through with the process." But in reality as I've had time to think tonight...it does matter. Taylor was the only realtor willing to work with us. Our income level is too low for these realtors in town and none would lend to us nor represent us. Taylor and I have had lunch together, talked and texted for over a year now and I thought we had built up a friendship but lately it feels strained.

I do care that she's happy for us getting close to buying a home and it does hurt or will hurt if she's decided to not be friends with us. It's hard for me to accept her stoic behavior. And, my thoughts wander wondering if someone has poisoned her against us. So, essentially I can't control how another person acts towards me, I can only control my reactions. I need to accept that this is her personality and not expect any more from her. Just as I want to be accepted for who I am, I need to also extend the same courtesy to others. So Lord, help me to do just that, to now want people to be how I am and to expect others to do like I would do. The bottom line is we want a team to help us buy a home that works for us and we should really let them do their jobs and we do ours which is run our business, me work the day job and we both stay close to Jesus in prayer.